Crashing to Heal

Bracing before a crash - paralyzed shock - our body is built to pause and break our falls or shield us from what is coming just as the fear floods in - crashing within ourselves between the walls / beliefs you put up and the ones you need down now that are not serving us anymore maybe the longest most paralyzing brace we ever experience in life. When we don't understand we get stuck in the shock, unable to propel forward and remain deep in in survival mode.

When I've shared my story and all the things I've witnessed and endured, no more than some , much less than others and uncomprehendable by most , I've been referred to as "strong" over and over however I never felt that acknowledgment , it never sat or resonated within me. I followed with a polite 'thank you' but felt inauthentic always.

I realized why very recently while I was once again crashing trying to survive - realizing I was in process of healing : it never felt like strength because it wasn't strength for me - it was survival. It's built in our most primal dna to initiate into survival mode to combat trauma, horrific acts and life threatening situations we endure or witness to continue in life: to survive.

When we encounter trauma we live in a first freeze, perhaps dissassociating to survive as we've heard over and over in cases of rape or brutal attacks.

Then many times some form of denial sets in , to yourself and perhaps with help of others. 'That possibly could not have happened'!!! , block it out, keep going . But there is no escape.

What has occurred: imprints.

Imprints embedded will surface when room is cleared and healing commences.

Tearing it down to build it back up stronger, when reinforcing can no longer keep the damn up and we need to let it rage and destroy and begin again but now with experience and understanding that we can survive. We can build it stronger. The fear of drowning is very real and imminent, perhaps it will take some. Not everyone survives, we've seen this and it is devastating when we all live in fear and think we can help anyone before we help ourselves.

There is a reason we are told in pre-flight instructions "to put our mask on first then that of a child's or help a neighbor" - If we go under we can't help anyone: we die. Not acknowledging we need the mask FIRST is what keeps us repeating old patterns and anxious / depressed. You may be stronger than those you are trying to help but are you strong enough to survive the process when you yourself needs healing and help? You may be better than those around but are you that much better to remain unaffected and torn down you yourself staying in the process of survival never getting to healing phase , to the thriving phase. To healing and thriving simultaneously.

It's been a long lesson I've learned , pulled under and colliding with others while not masking myself.

Crashing within myself, finally. Rebuilding for myself first , finally.

Crashing to heal. Healing out of survival into thriving to heal.